A Man's Mind vs. A Woman's World

Conversation between two friends:

Woman: You know it's the thought that counts?

Man: I know that much. I just don't know what to get. Can you give me some ideas?

Woman: OK. There are two ways you can put thought into it.

 1. Buy her something that's personal. Something that's specific to her. Like something she's been wanting for ages or her favourite perfume or something to do with her interests ... It shows that you actually pay attention to her and know her well.

Or

 2. Something really romantic. Go out of your way to be romantic. Like buy her 100 roses for your 100 day anniversary. 

Man: What is she going to do with 100 roses? They'll just die and she'll just throw them away. Why would I give her dead roses?

*Woman goes wide-eyed and laughs*

Woman: You don't give her roses that are already dead ...

Man: And where would I pick 100 roses?

*Woman laughs more*

Woman: You don't pick 100 individual roses yourself. You call a florist and order 100 roses ... Or if you want to be really thoughtful and buy something personal AND be romantic, find out her favourite flower and order 100 of those.

Man: They'll still die ...

This is an actual conversation that I've recently had with my friend. I found it hilarious. It just highlights the differences between how a man thinks and how a woman thinks.

I've given many guys advice over the years. I really feel for men when they have to deal with women. Sometimes I pity them ... They do have to put up with a lot from us (and vise versa). Our minds work differently and they never know what to do. And in all honesty, they don't stand a chance!

It's true, women are irrational and hormonal and a bit crazy. BUT, I must add, there is a way to understand women. The only problem is, it's an illogical logic. Only women can understand women. Let me give an example.

If a girl isn't talking to you it could be one, a few or all of these reasons:

1. She simply doesn't want to talk to you.
2. She's playing hard to get.
3. She wants attention. She wants you to make an effort and talk to her first.
4. She's testing you. How much do you like her? Do you care? Have you noticed she hasn't been talking to you? Do you want to talk to her as much as she wants to talk to you?
5. She's playing mind games. She wants you to suffer a bit so that you'll appreciate her more.
6. She's stubborn.
7. She's thinking. She might need space to think and work out her thoughts. Either about you or about other things.
8. It's not about you. She's busy or something's going around her head so that she doesn't have time for you right now.
9. She's pissed or upset with you.
10. She's being stupid. She might be sulking or trying to be clever somehow but failing miserably.

The list could go on. Like I said, girls are difficult to understand but there is a logic behind our way of thinking. You've just got to work out the girl well enough so that you can understand where she's coming from. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing. You just need to empathise. If you can't do that, then you're pretty screwed to be honest. Every girl, like every person, appreicates it when somebody tries to listen, understand and empathise with them.

Finding The Right Career Path

(Sorry, there was trouble loading this post. It didn't seem to agree with my tablet. So here it is, finally).

What's your dream job? Do you know what you want to do? Have you always known? Or have only just recently discovered it? 

I was a typical child. I had a big imagination, and used to think about and imagine all sorts of things. I'd thought and dreamt of doing all sorts of jobs. I wanted to be a singer (I'm unbelievably tone deaf! Like those bad singers on X Factor that says they're the next Whitney Houston, except I actually know that I can't sing), a writer (absolutely loved books, being creative and I wrote a lot of stories), a designer (my sister and I used to draw dresses. She's a lot better than me. I just drew big, O.T.T. princess dresses), an actress (had a big imagination and thought acting was an escape from normal, mundane life) etc... Yeah, I was a really weird and random child. Now I'm a really weird and random adult ...

It wasn't until High School that I decided and committed to one job idea; to become a teacher. It was the only idea I didn't find any faults or lose interest in. I liked school, I liked helping and teaching my friends, I loved interaction and being creative, and still do. It made sense to me. I understood the need for good, capable teachers and the importance of them. I had some lovely teachers and I had some bad ones. I had a few that had a big influence on me and one in particular changed some of my views on life. Those teachers are why I wanted to become a teacher. Teachers can really have a big impact on a kid's life.

Unfortunately it's only now, 10 years later, that I've discovered that while I love teaching and I'm good at it, it's not a career path that I want to pursue. 

So lately I've been asking myself: "What kind of career do I want?" "What career path do I want to pursue?" Dangerous and mind-boggling questions that everyone asks themselves. I've been searching for these answers for a really long time now. I had doubts before coming to Korea, and now I'm certain I don't want to be a History teacher anymore. I've gone through various trains of thoughts.

First I just looked at different teaching options as it was my original plan and it seems to be the only thing I'm qualified for. It's what I've wanted to do for so long that all I did was gear my experiences towards teaching; leadership course, communication module, mentoring, tutoring, teaching English as a foreign language ...

However, it's not something I can imagine myself pursuing and sticking to, or even enjoying. These are three really big deal-breakers for me. While I think everyone has to do things (small jobs and actual jobs) they don't like out of necessity, I'm not willing to pursue a career I won't follow because it isn't necessary. Yes, I need a job. Yes, I need money. Yes, I need to work out what I want to do with my life. But no I don't have to pay and do a post-graduate in something I don't intend to use enough to get my money's worth out of it. No, it won't be financially beneficial. No, it won't make me happy. No, it's not my only option.

So I started to focus on my interests. I want a job that I'll enjoy so I started thinking about jobs that revolves around things I'm interested in. Although combining your hobbies with your job works for some people and sounds ideal, I can't really imagine it for me. My interests aren't necessarily something I'm good at or  

Now I'm focusing on job descriptions. I have a rough idea of what I want in a job. I don't mean salary, working hours, location or anything like that. I mean, I've worked out what it is that I love about my current job, what tasks and roles I'd like to do in a future job and what I'd be good at. I'm thinking more about what a job would entail, and if I fit the description and want to do those things. Rather than trying to find a 'dream job' and trying to fit myself into that role, I'm looking for a job that fits me and my personality.

I will write again if my method actually works, and to write about the outcome. Knowing what jobs you're capable of doing, what's your dream job and achieving it are all completely different things.

Why Are You Single?

A question we commonly ask ourselves is "Why are we single?" Good question, but a pointless one I think. It's one of the many things we think about and get ourselves worked up over, but there's no real answer usually. It's not that black and white. I think this is something we over and under estimate.

We over-estimate just how much is within our control and we under-estimate ourselves.

Life's not that easy or simple for all good things to be handed to everyone on a silver platter. Yes some people have good luck and things come easily to them, and you probably envy those people, but that can't be the case for everyone, and someday that might be you someday; with everything you wanted; career, a house and a good long-term relationship. But why isn't that us now? I'm going to write why I'm probably single and about past experiences. Maybe you can relate, and hopefully you'll understand that you're not the only one and it's not that big of a deal.

In my opinion, some people take things to the extreme. For this particular topic, being single, some people either become depressed and ashamed of being single whilst others take pride in being single and use it as an excuse to act wild. 

We all want this don't we? We want the hugs, the cuddles, the companionship, the happiness, and to share and make those magic moments with. That fairy tale ending.

This seems a bit obvious but I'm going to have to say this:

Being in a relationship doesn't automatically equal happiness.

1. Happily single? It is possible. Don't let your relationship status define you. Don't think too much. Do what makes you happy. Being in a relationship, especially one that you're only in for the sake of it, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be any happier.
2. Independence and compromise. When you're single, you have complete independence. You can still maintain independence in a relationship, but you'll have to compromise with your partner. You'll need to take them into consideration when you make decisions. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just whether you're prepared to do it. It's nice when people actually take you into consideration; it shows they actually think and care about you. Genuine, heart-warming feelings are a beautiful thing.
3. Finding the right person: Chances and Circumstances. I don't believe in soul mates or 'the one'. I think it's a sad idea that there's only one person in the whole world for someone. It'll be really hard to find that one person. Personally, I think it's much more circumstantial. You shouldn't regret not meeting someone that's right and good for you. You can't regret that someone hasn't stumbled into your life. You can't regret that you don't like this perfectly nice guy / girl. You can't regret that this person isn't your idea of perfection. You can't regret what is not within your control. (I will cover this in more detail in a later post).
4. The 'Friend zone'. I've covered this in a previous blog. It's hard because sometimes you do care for someone, but is it just friendship? Will you just lose a friend in the process? Will the friendship bloom into something much bigger? These are difficult questions to answer, and you probably won't know the answer until time goes by or you give it a try. Confessing your feelings to a friend is risky, but maybe worth it.

I've had a few different reactions to this simple fact about me: I've never had a boyfriend.

1. "Wow, you're amazing." Not really. It doesn't take much effort or skill to stay single.

2. "That's b*llshit. How is that possible?" Again, with very little effort. Also, I actually know a lot of people who haven't been in a relationship. Some of whom are older than me, but reactions like this is why some people are ashamed of it and don't talk about it. To me, this reaction just highlights the social pressures to do the 'social norm' and be in a relationship to get married and have kids. No thank you. At least, not right now. That's the last thing on my mind.

3. "I don't believe you." O.K. Well I have no reason to lie, and if you don't believe me I don't really care. It makes no difference to me to be honest. It's not that unbelievable is it?

I'm not proud nor am I ashamed of being single or having been single my whole life. Nor will I let it define me. To me, it's a simple fact. Just like how my ethnicity is Chinese, that I like drawing and painting, that I've only been to 5 different countries or that I can count how many times I've been to the cinema (13 times). They're all facts. Some of them I can't change. Some of them I can. Sometimes people seem to try to make me feel proud or ashamed of things, but with my personality that doesn't really work. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or like I should feel ashamed, but my brain reacts and tells me "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Why are you feeling ashamed? Why should you feel embarrassed?" And the same thing happens when people act like it's something I should be proud of. There's no reason to be proud of something that I've put no hard work or effort into.

It's not shameful. I've never met a guy that I've liked that has mutually liked me back and has asked me out. It's as simple as that. So why should I feel shame, pride or regret? I have nothing to regret because there's been no guy that I wish I had gone out with (not in a horrible way. I just know it would never have worked out with the guys I knew / know. Either because of chemistry, the situation or lack of mutual feelings). These reasons are a shame but not something I should be ashamed of. Nor are they accomplishments. It's not something I've excelled in or have achieved through talent or hard work. It's just life.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is simply this:

1. Your relationship status is not important enough for it to define you or make you feel any shame.
2. Don't let others make you feel anything that doesn't already come naturally. The only person that has a right to judge you is yourself. You know if you should feel ashamed or not so judge yourself fairly. Take people's opinions on board, but don't let their views become your rules, boundaries and definitions in your life. Quite simply: "Each to their own."
3. Protect your heart; be cautious if needs be but don't shy away so much that you become the reason why they get away. Everybody deserves happiness and to be loved. When someone comes along then do everything that you feel is right and have no regrets about it. 

So love life. If you can, love yourself, and always let others love you. This sounds very sappy and soppy, but I'm afraid while life can be a b*tch, it can also be very mushy. Think of it as you will. Just try to be happy and live life how you want to. I'm not saying you should disregard others' views, I'm just saying don't live your life for anyone other than yourself. It's your life; you only live once; so live how you wish to.

I'll be covering this in a lot more details in some other blogs I'm working on. There are a lot of themes and key issues that I want to write about. Please keep reading if this is insightful, enjoyable or helpful to you in any way. If my blogs seem boring or bad to you then please leave constructive criticism :) Thank you.

Who's Mr. Perfect?

We all know that nobody's perfect, but there's no harm in fantasising about Mr. Right is there? Or is there?

It's hard to stop your mind from wandering and imagining the perfect partner or situation. Especially when you're single or when you see or hear a really cute couple and wish that was you. 

Honestly, I'm a bit strange and I have about 50 different images of Mr. Perfect in my head because what I want keeps changing. But I've realised that fundamentally my idea of the perfect guy always remains the same. It's a very simple, generic type of guy, and it's basically just what I like in a person / friend generally to be honest. Someone funny, considerate, open-minded with manners and that can hold their own. The latter is more what I like in a guy rather than a friend.

I think sometimes we concentrate too much on this, a happy ending. There's nothing wrong with wanting a fairy tale ending, but don't let it get in the way of appreciating and being happy with what you currently have. Whether be that taking your current partner for granted or missing what's right in front of you because you're looking for perfection and missing out on being with someone special that's in your life right now


In truth, there isn't really a happy ending. You've just got to make and embrace as many happy moments as you can so that you can die with no regrets and can remember all of those good things. You can be happy single, in a relationship or married. You won'thave a dream wedding then live happily ever after. Life after marriage doesn't automatically become a blissful, care-free way of living. Life is life. You've got to take the good with the bad and accept that. If you can someone that can stick with you through those times and help you when times gets hard then you're lucky. Whether it's a friend, colleague, family or partner.

You can strive for perfection in your life, but don't ever expect someone to be perfect. We're only human after all. If you find someone you like and they like you and they have your best interest at heart, that is perfect. What else could be better?

I only hope that one day I can find someone that I like that actually likes me back for once. To be in love and be loved is one thing I hope to do before I die. If only once and even if it doesn't last forever. To say you've had that is enough I think.

The Dreaded 'Friend-Zone'

We've all heard of the 'friend-zone'. We've all heard of it and know what it means to be 'in' the 'friend-zone'. What I find strange is people's interpretation of it, how you end up there and whether it's possible to get 'out' of the 'friend-zone'.

My friend thinks the 'friend-zone' is nothing but rubbish and lies. He doesn't think it exists. It's just something we've made up as an excuse to say to the opposite sex and to run away.

To a certain degree I agree with him. Sometimes we do use it as an excuse. As a nice way to let someone down gently or it's what we tell them and ourselves so that we don't have to confront our true feelings. We've all had those moments when we see someone as a friend but then something changes. Either they tell you they like you or people are teasing you about them or something along the lines of. This can make us question our relationship and feelings for the person. Do you like them? Is it possible for something to happen between you two? etc... Re-evaluating your feelings isn't always an easy, simple process as feelings can't be measured quantitatively. Although running away is never the best answer, sometimes that's all we can do for our own sanity. If we hide then we don't have to confront and deal with the situation, and we can pretend that everything's still the same as before. 

However, sometimes we sincerely mean it. Sometimes we do just see them as a friend and nothing more. Although it's hard to hear that the person you like only thinks of you as a friend, it's better to hear the truth and know they like and care for you in some way than for them to force themselves to like you. Especially as this will probably just result in ruining your friendship forever. Life isn't that simple that you can deduct a definite outcome, but I'd say in most cases this is true. At least from what I've seen and my experiences.

I think because everyone has different interpretations and there are so many scenarios that may occur that it's hard to make a clear conclusion about it. I do believe the 'friend-zone' exists, but how strong the concept is varies from person to person. Usually, I find my girl friends have a much stronger idea about the 'friend-zone' than my guy friends.

Generally girls seem a lot more reluctant to date an old friend than guys. Also, usually when a girl sees a guy as a good friend then she won't see him as much more or will tell herself she doesn't to save herself from embarrassment and pain of confessing and a possible break-up. This is where the more complicated nature of girls comes into play. The way we think and are a more ruled by our emotions than men. It plays a serious part in why the 'friend-zone' has materialised and why some guys find it hard to not fall into that category.

One thing that I don't agree with, that's a general view, is that you're either seen only as a friend or not. I think this is a misconception about the 'friend-zone'. Whilst you're usually 'in' the 'friend-zone' or not, I don't think this means you're simply 'friends' or not. I think these are two different things.

This is a very simplified diagram that I've made to show how the 'friend-zone' it works in my mind. There are more categories than just 'friend' and 'not friends'. Some people may see more categories than what's displayed in the diagram.

Personally, I see 4 categories:

1. The people you love; old friends, close friends, best friends and those you are or seek to be in a relationship with.

2. Friends and acquaintances you like and may care about but are indifferent about. They've probably not made a massive impression to make you feel any particular way about them.

3. Those you classify to be idiots or/and know you're not interested in. They've made an impression; not a very good one.

4. And lastly, the 'friend-zone'. Where people are seen as nothing more than friends, but can move and integrate with the other three categories.

Although this isn't a very conclusive piece, I hope it's somewhat insightful. I would say it's a generic explanation of the 'friend-zone' as well as specific in terms of my own thoughts and opinions.

Colder and Stronger

Recently I've discovered that I'm a lot colder than I realised, and a lot weaker as well. Somehow I've managed to become depressed without realising it.  I thought I was just ill. I knew I was a bit homesick, but I didn't realise just how lonely I really was. The words 'heartless' and 'cold' comes to mind. This is a serious issue that's taking a lot of my attention at the moment and something I really need to work on.

It's funny just how much can happen without you realising it. But it's even more amazing just how much others notice about you. People always amaze me; my nearest and dearest as well as complete strangers. They notice things about me that even I don't notice. I love talking to people and finding out things about them and myself. I find it an interesting and insightful way to learn about people's opinions and way to reflect upon myself.

It was only after Skyping with my sister and oldest friend in the early hours of the morning (2-5 a.m.) that I realised something. I'm lonely. Lonely to a whole new extent than I have ever felt or been before. Not only am I homesick but I have a hole that's never really been filled in my life. I've never been in love, and whilst I have many friends, I've never had one that I'm so close with that I could spend every day, every waking hour with, that gets me completely and wholeheartedly, that's one-in-the-same as myself. I know that's difficult to find and usually just on the tele or movies, but it seems like everyone around me has those kinds of friendships. I suppose this says a lot about me...

Whilst Skyping, we began talking about things I didn't think about. After telling my sister about some new guys in my life, she asked me something that shocked me, "What's the real issue here?" I didn't understand what she meant. I told her what was happening; these boys were all different and all confusing me in different ways. But as the person that knows me best in the whole world, she highlighted that men don't phase me. Especially guys I've just met. I'm not a typical girl that gets flustered by men. I'm not the type to get obsessed. I'm not the type to really like a guy until getting to know him. And I even admitted that I didn't really care much for any of the guys; I barely know them. So again, she asked "What's the real issue here?"

Honestly, I didn't know.  I didn't know why I was thinking about these guys. I really don't care much about them or boys generally. If a nice boy comes along that I like, that mutually likes me, then of course that would be great. But I didn't feel anything for any of these boys. So why was it upsetting me? Why was I up at 2 a.m. unable to sleep?

After hours of talking to my sister and friend I stopped thinking about the boys and began thinking about something much more important. What I was really upset about. What was really bothering me. That I'm longing for companionship. 

The next day was like a slow epiphany; everything slowly connected in my mind and I slowly started to feel more human, but not quite. I still haven't really made that click yet. It feels so close and yet every time I'm about to feel something, all that's left is anticipation. I'm anticipating the feeling to kick in. I'm reacting automatically but with no feeling. It's like I'm getting the feelings initially but it never really surfaces.

I've realised that I've felt like this for a while without knowing it, and my sudden low dip was probably triggered from having amazing people around me that all suddenly went out of my life at once. Even during vacation, before the new academic year, I was busy and was able to pre-occupy my mind. But after becoming so comfortable and used to seeing and having fun with these people everyday, to not having them around me at all, one out of the country and the others not even in the same city, I hit a low.

I have a habit of not feeling hungry when I'm stressed, and not being able to eat when I'm depressed. I was genuinely ill one week. I was dizzy and felt sick and had to take pills, but I never noticed how my symptoms changed. I wasn't dizzy anymore and I didn't want to eat nor could I stomach it. I now realise that this was because I was depressed, not because I was ill.

I must admit that I'm slightly worried. How could I be this down without noticing? 

Many people try not to let their emotions rule them, and try to become stronger. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." A famous quote that many people refer to. But what happens if you become so emotionless that you don't even feel or know what you're feeling? We're humans; living, breathing animals that feel. That are supposed to feel. So what happens when you take away our feelings? We're just inanimate objects, aren't we? Our feelings are what sets us apart from being like an inanimate object in the room. We'd have our practical uses but we wouldn't be able to live in the true sense of the word.

In Science we learn MRS. GREN to memorise the defining features of a living thing:

M ovement

R espiration

S ensitivity

G rowth

R eproduction

E xcretion

N utrition

Whilst this is scientifically sound, and in no disrespect to other living organisms, but aren't we proud of our other living quality; the ability to feel and that we have a conscience? As animals we are able to feel and gauge on others' feelings. And controversially, we are unique because we are supposedly the only animal with a conscience. We are capable of knowing what's right and wrong, and can feel guilt or pride in our actions. Without these qualities we're not much more than a plant or an inanimate object; that's a rather sad thought in my eyes. So whilst not being ruled by my emotions is being strong to some extent, it's also very harmful to myself as a human being.

I think it goes without saying that feelings are important, but I don't think we ever really think about it. So we don't truly acknowledge its true value. I've recently told a friend that it doesn't matter how hard you tell yourself how you should be, think, act or feel; you can't stop your body from feeling what it does impulsively. You can try to convince yourself that you don't care, that you're happy or that you don't need anyone, but there'll be a time when you can no longer fight your natural feelings and it'll just be worse for you. Your feelings will catch up to you and flood you all at once. And that's the worse thing that can happen. That's what I've learnt. 

Allowing this to happen is hard for me to comprehend because I pride myself for being a lot stronger than I look. As I've said before, I really hate feeling weak and pathetic. I've learnt to be stronger and to detach myself when needed. But it's seemed to have backfired. Now I'm perhaps too detached; I'm not able to know what I'm feeling anymore and I'm not at all as strong as I thought I was.

I have many friends from around the world and I have many hobbies, and that's what I've always filled my life with. Although they are people I love and things I love to do, I've also been partially doing it in a way to distract myself. To fill the hole in my life that's never been filled. Now that I think about it, the hole is true companionship. I really don't believe you need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy, but I don't believe you can be truly be happy alone either. We all need someone that you know will be there no matter what, that gets you and understands you well enough that the pure thought of them will make you smile because you know what they'd say to you if they were there with you. This doesn't have to be a lover, it can be a friend or family member, but we all need that kind of person in our lives.