Why Are You Single?

A question we commonly ask ourselves is "Why are we single?" Good question, but a pointless one I think. It's one of the many things we think about and get ourselves worked up over, but there's no real answer usually. It's not that black and white. I think this is something we over and under estimate.

We over-estimate just how much is within our control and we under-estimate ourselves.

Life's not that easy or simple for all good things to be handed to everyone on a silver platter. Yes some people have good luck and things come easily to them, and you probably envy those people, but that can't be the case for everyone, and someday that might be you someday; with everything you wanted; career, a house and a good long-term relationship. But why isn't that us now? I'm going to write why I'm probably single and about past experiences. Maybe you can relate, and hopefully you'll understand that you're not the only one and it's not that big of a deal.

In my opinion, some people take things to the extreme. For this particular topic, being single, some people either become depressed and ashamed of being single whilst others take pride in being single and use it as an excuse to act wild. 

We all want this don't we? We want the hugs, the cuddles, the companionship, the happiness, and to share and make those magic moments with. That fairy tale ending.

This seems a bit obvious but I'm going to have to say this:

Being in a relationship doesn't automatically equal happiness.

1. Happily single? It is possible. Don't let your relationship status define you. Don't think too much. Do what makes you happy. Being in a relationship, especially one that you're only in for the sake of it, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be any happier.
2. Independence and compromise. When you're single, you have complete independence. You can still maintain independence in a relationship, but you'll have to compromise with your partner. You'll need to take them into consideration when you make decisions. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just whether you're prepared to do it. It's nice when people actually take you into consideration; it shows they actually think and care about you. Genuine, heart-warming feelings are a beautiful thing.
3. Finding the right person: Chances and Circumstances. I don't believe in soul mates or 'the one'. I think it's a sad idea that there's only one person in the whole world for someone. It'll be really hard to find that one person. Personally, I think it's much more circumstantial. You shouldn't regret not meeting someone that's right and good for you. You can't regret that someone hasn't stumbled into your life. You can't regret that you don't like this perfectly nice guy / girl. You can't regret that this person isn't your idea of perfection. You can't regret what is not within your control. (I will cover this in more detail in a later post).
4. The 'Friend zone'. I've covered this in a previous blog. It's hard because sometimes you do care for someone, but is it just friendship? Will you just lose a friend in the process? Will the friendship bloom into something much bigger? These are difficult questions to answer, and you probably won't know the answer until time goes by or you give it a try. Confessing your feelings to a friend is risky, but maybe worth it.

I've had a few different reactions to this simple fact about me: I've never had a boyfriend.

1. "Wow, you're amazing." Not really. It doesn't take much effort or skill to stay single.

2. "That's b*llshit. How is that possible?" Again, with very little effort. Also, I actually know a lot of people who haven't been in a relationship. Some of whom are older than me, but reactions like this is why some people are ashamed of it and don't talk about it. To me, this reaction just highlights the social pressures to do the 'social norm' and be in a relationship to get married and have kids. No thank you. At least, not right now. That's the last thing on my mind.

3. "I don't believe you." O.K. Well I have no reason to lie, and if you don't believe me I don't really care. It makes no difference to me to be honest. It's not that unbelievable is it?

I'm not proud nor am I ashamed of being single or having been single my whole life. Nor will I let it define me. To me, it's a simple fact. Just like how my ethnicity is Chinese, that I like drawing and painting, that I've only been to 5 different countries or that I can count how many times I've been to the cinema (13 times). They're all facts. Some of them I can't change. Some of them I can. Sometimes people seem to try to make me feel proud or ashamed of things, but with my personality that doesn't really work. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or like I should feel ashamed, but my brain reacts and tells me "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Why are you feeling ashamed? Why should you feel embarrassed?" And the same thing happens when people act like it's something I should be proud of. There's no reason to be proud of something that I've put no hard work or effort into.

It's not shameful. I've never met a guy that I've liked that has mutually liked me back and has asked me out. It's as simple as that. So why should I feel shame, pride or regret? I have nothing to regret because there's been no guy that I wish I had gone out with (not in a horrible way. I just know it would never have worked out with the guys I knew / know. Either because of chemistry, the situation or lack of mutual feelings). These reasons are a shame but not something I should be ashamed of. Nor are they accomplishments. It's not something I've excelled in or have achieved through talent or hard work. It's just life.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is simply this:

1. Your relationship status is not important enough for it to define you or make you feel any shame.
2. Don't let others make you feel anything that doesn't already come naturally. The only person that has a right to judge you is yourself. You know if you should feel ashamed or not so judge yourself fairly. Take people's opinions on board, but don't let their views become your rules, boundaries and definitions in your life. Quite simply: "Each to their own."
3. Protect your heart; be cautious if needs be but don't shy away so much that you become the reason why they get away. Everybody deserves happiness and to be loved. When someone comes along then do everything that you feel is right and have no regrets about it. 

So love life. If you can, love yourself, and always let others love you. This sounds very sappy and soppy, but I'm afraid while life can be a b*tch, it can also be very mushy. Think of it as you will. Just try to be happy and live life how you want to. I'm not saying you should disregard others' views, I'm just saying don't live your life for anyone other than yourself. It's your life; you only live once; so live how you wish to.

I'll be covering this in a lot more details in some other blogs I'm working on. There are a lot of themes and key issues that I want to write about. Please keep reading if this is insightful, enjoyable or helpful to you in any way. If my blogs seem boring or bad to you then please leave constructive criticism :) Thank you.