Why Are You Single?

A question we commonly ask ourselves is "Why are we single?" Good question, but a pointless one I think. It's one of the many things we think about and get ourselves worked up over, but there's no real answer usually. It's not that black and white. I think this is something we over and under estimate.

We over-estimate just how much is within our control and we under-estimate ourselves.

Life's not that easy or simple for all good things to be handed to everyone on a silver platter. Yes some people have good luck and things come easily to them, and you probably envy those people, but that can't be the case for everyone, and someday that might be you someday; with everything you wanted; career, a house and a good long-term relationship. But why isn't that us now? I'm going to write why I'm probably single and about past experiences. Maybe you can relate, and hopefully you'll understand that you're not the only one and it's not that big of a deal.

In my opinion, some people take things to the extreme. For this particular topic, being single, some people either become depressed and ashamed of being single whilst others take pride in being single and use it as an excuse to act wild. 

We all want this don't we? We want the hugs, the cuddles, the companionship, the happiness, and to share and make those magic moments with. That fairy tale ending.

This seems a bit obvious but I'm going to have to say this:

Being in a relationship doesn't automatically equal happiness.

1. Happily single? It is possible. Don't let your relationship status define you. Don't think too much. Do what makes you happy. Being in a relationship, especially one that you're only in for the sake of it, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be any happier.
2. Independence and compromise. When you're single, you have complete independence. You can still maintain independence in a relationship, but you'll have to compromise with your partner. You'll need to take them into consideration when you make decisions. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just whether you're prepared to do it. It's nice when people actually take you into consideration; it shows they actually think and care about you. Genuine, heart-warming feelings are a beautiful thing.
3. Finding the right person: Chances and Circumstances. I don't believe in soul mates or 'the one'. I think it's a sad idea that there's only one person in the whole world for someone. It'll be really hard to find that one person. Personally, I think it's much more circumstantial. You shouldn't regret not meeting someone that's right and good for you. You can't regret that someone hasn't stumbled into your life. You can't regret that you don't like this perfectly nice guy / girl. You can't regret that this person isn't your idea of perfection. You can't regret what is not within your control. (I will cover this in more detail in a later post).
4. The 'Friend zone'. I've covered this in a previous blog. It's hard because sometimes you do care for someone, but is it just friendship? Will you just lose a friend in the process? Will the friendship bloom into something much bigger? These are difficult questions to answer, and you probably won't know the answer until time goes by or you give it a try. Confessing your feelings to a friend is risky, but maybe worth it.

I've had a few different reactions to this simple fact about me: I've never had a boyfriend.

1. "Wow, you're amazing." Not really. It doesn't take much effort or skill to stay single.

2. "That's b*llshit. How is that possible?" Again, with very little effort. Also, I actually know a lot of people who haven't been in a relationship. Some of whom are older than me, but reactions like this is why some people are ashamed of it and don't talk about it. To me, this reaction just highlights the social pressures to do the 'social norm' and be in a relationship to get married and have kids. No thank you. At least, not right now. That's the last thing on my mind.

3. "I don't believe you." O.K. Well I have no reason to lie, and if you don't believe me I don't really care. It makes no difference to me to be honest. It's not that unbelievable is it?

I'm not proud nor am I ashamed of being single or having been single my whole life. Nor will I let it define me. To me, it's a simple fact. Just like how my ethnicity is Chinese, that I like drawing and painting, that I've only been to 5 different countries or that I can count how many times I've been to the cinema (13 times). They're all facts. Some of them I can't change. Some of them I can. Sometimes people seem to try to make me feel proud or ashamed of things, but with my personality that doesn't really work. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or like I should feel ashamed, but my brain reacts and tells me "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Why are you feeling ashamed? Why should you feel embarrassed?" And the same thing happens when people act like it's something I should be proud of. There's no reason to be proud of something that I've put no hard work or effort into.

It's not shameful. I've never met a guy that I've liked that has mutually liked me back and has asked me out. It's as simple as that. So why should I feel shame, pride or regret? I have nothing to regret because there's been no guy that I wish I had gone out with (not in a horrible way. I just know it would never have worked out with the guys I knew / know. Either because of chemistry, the situation or lack of mutual feelings). These reasons are a shame but not something I should be ashamed of. Nor are they accomplishments. It's not something I've excelled in or have achieved through talent or hard work. It's just life.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is simply this:

1. Your relationship status is not important enough for it to define you or make you feel any shame.
2. Don't let others make you feel anything that doesn't already come naturally. The only person that has a right to judge you is yourself. You know if you should feel ashamed or not so judge yourself fairly. Take people's opinions on board, but don't let their views become your rules, boundaries and definitions in your life. Quite simply: "Each to their own."
3. Protect your heart; be cautious if needs be but don't shy away so much that you become the reason why they get away. Everybody deserves happiness and to be loved. When someone comes along then do everything that you feel is right and have no regrets about it. 

So love life. If you can, love yourself, and always let others love you. This sounds very sappy and soppy, but I'm afraid while life can be a b*tch, it can also be very mushy. Think of it as you will. Just try to be happy and live life how you want to. I'm not saying you should disregard others' views, I'm just saying don't live your life for anyone other than yourself. It's your life; you only live once; so live how you wish to.

I'll be covering this in a lot more details in some other blogs I'm working on. There are a lot of themes and key issues that I want to write about. Please keep reading if this is insightful, enjoyable or helpful to you in any way. If my blogs seem boring or bad to you then please leave constructive criticism :) Thank you.

Who's Mr. Perfect?

We all know that nobody's perfect, but there's no harm in fantasising about Mr. Right is there? Or is there?

It's hard to stop your mind from wandering and imagining the perfect partner or situation. Especially when you're single or when you see or hear a really cute couple and wish that was you. 

Honestly, I'm a bit strange and I have about 50 different images of Mr. Perfect in my head because what I want keeps changing. But I've realised that fundamentally my idea of the perfect guy always remains the same. It's a very simple, generic type of guy, and it's basically just what I like in a person / friend generally to be honest. Someone funny, considerate, open-minded with manners and that can hold their own. The latter is more what I like in a guy rather than a friend.

I think sometimes we concentrate too much on this, a happy ending. There's nothing wrong with wanting a fairy tale ending, but don't let it get in the way of appreciating and being happy with what you currently have. Whether be that taking your current partner for granted or missing what's right in front of you because you're looking for perfection and missing out on being with someone special that's in your life right now


In truth, there isn't really a happy ending. You've just got to make and embrace as many happy moments as you can so that you can die with no regrets and can remember all of those good things. You can be happy single, in a relationship or married. You won'thave a dream wedding then live happily ever after. Life after marriage doesn't automatically become a blissful, care-free way of living. Life is life. You've got to take the good with the bad and accept that. If you can someone that can stick with you through those times and help you when times gets hard then you're lucky. Whether it's a friend, colleague, family or partner.

You can strive for perfection in your life, but don't ever expect someone to be perfect. We're only human after all. If you find someone you like and they like you and they have your best interest at heart, that is perfect. What else could be better?

I only hope that one day I can find someone that I like that actually likes me back for once. To be in love and be loved is one thing I hope to do before I die. If only once and even if it doesn't last forever. To say you've had that is enough I think.

The Dreaded 'Friend-Zone'

We've all heard of the 'friend-zone'. We've all heard of it and know what it means to be 'in' the 'friend-zone'. What I find strange is people's interpretation of it, how you end up there and whether it's possible to get 'out' of the 'friend-zone'.

My friend thinks the 'friend-zone' is nothing but rubbish and lies. He doesn't think it exists. It's just something we've made up as an excuse to say to the opposite sex and to run away.

To a certain degree I agree with him. Sometimes we do use it as an excuse. As a nice way to let someone down gently or it's what we tell them and ourselves so that we don't have to confront our true feelings. We've all had those moments when we see someone as a friend but then something changes. Either they tell you they like you or people are teasing you about them or something along the lines of. This can make us question our relationship and feelings for the person. Do you like them? Is it possible for something to happen between you two? etc... Re-evaluating your feelings isn't always an easy, simple process as feelings can't be measured quantitatively. Although running away is never the best answer, sometimes that's all we can do for our own sanity. If we hide then we don't have to confront and deal with the situation, and we can pretend that everything's still the same as before. 

However, sometimes we sincerely mean it. Sometimes we do just see them as a friend and nothing more. Although it's hard to hear that the person you like only thinks of you as a friend, it's better to hear the truth and know they like and care for you in some way than for them to force themselves to like you. Especially as this will probably just result in ruining your friendship forever. Life isn't that simple that you can deduct a definite outcome, but I'd say in most cases this is true. At least from what I've seen and my experiences.

I think because everyone has different interpretations and there are so many scenarios that may occur that it's hard to make a clear conclusion about it. I do believe the 'friend-zone' exists, but how strong the concept is varies from person to person. Usually, I find my girl friends have a much stronger idea about the 'friend-zone' than my guy friends.

Generally girls seem a lot more reluctant to date an old friend than guys. Also, usually when a girl sees a guy as a good friend then she won't see him as much more or will tell herself she doesn't to save herself from embarrassment and pain of confessing and a possible break-up. This is where the more complicated nature of girls comes into play. The way we think and are a more ruled by our emotions than men. It plays a serious part in why the 'friend-zone' has materialised and why some guys find it hard to not fall into that category.

One thing that I don't agree with, that's a general view, is that you're either seen only as a friend or not. I think this is a misconception about the 'friend-zone'. Whilst you're usually 'in' the 'friend-zone' or not, I don't think this means you're simply 'friends' or not. I think these are two different things.

This is a very simplified diagram that I've made to show how the 'friend-zone' it works in my mind. There are more categories than just 'friend' and 'not friends'. Some people may see more categories than what's displayed in the diagram.

Personally, I see 4 categories:

1. The people you love; old friends, close friends, best friends and those you are or seek to be in a relationship with.

2. Friends and acquaintances you like and may care about but are indifferent about. They've probably not made a massive impression to make you feel any particular way about them.

3. Those you classify to be idiots or/and know you're not interested in. They've made an impression; not a very good one.

4. And lastly, the 'friend-zone'. Where people are seen as nothing more than friends, but can move and integrate with the other three categories.

Although this isn't a very conclusive piece, I hope it's somewhat insightful. I would say it's a generic explanation of the 'friend-zone' as well as specific in terms of my own thoughts and opinions.