Recently I've discovered that I'm a lot colder than I realised, and a lot weaker as well. Somehow I've managed to become depressed without realising it. I thought I was just ill. I knew I was a bit homesick, but I didn't realise just how lonely I really was. The words 'heartless' and 'cold' comes to mind. This is a serious issue that's taking a lot of my attention at the moment and something I really need to work on.
It's funny just how much can happen without you realising it. But it's even more amazing just how much others notice about you. People always amaze me; my nearest and dearest as well as complete strangers. They notice things about me that even I don't notice. I love talking to people and finding out things about them and myself. I find it an interesting and insightful way to learn about people's opinions and way to reflect upon myself.
It was only after Skyping with my sister and oldest friend in the early hours of the morning (2-5 a.m.) that I realised something. I'm lonely. Lonely to a whole new extent than I have ever felt or been before. Not only am I homesick but I have a hole that's never really been filled in my life. I've never been in love, and whilst I have many friends, I've never had one that I'm so close with that I could spend every day, every waking hour with, that gets me completely and wholeheartedly, that's one-in-the-same as myself. I know that's difficult to find and usually just on the tele or movies, but it seems like everyone around me has those kinds of friendships. I suppose this says a lot about me...
Whilst Skyping, we began talking about things I didn't think about. After telling my sister about some new guys in my life, she asked me something that shocked me, "What's the real issue here?" I didn't understand what she meant. I told her what was happening; these boys were all different and all confusing me in different ways. But as the person that knows me best in the whole world, she highlighted that men don't phase me. Especially guys I've just met. I'm not a typical girl that gets flustered by men. I'm not the type to get obsessed. I'm not the type to really like a guy until getting to know him. And I even admitted that I didn't really care much for any of the guys; I barely know them. So again, she asked "What's the real issue here?"
Honestly, I didn't know. I didn't know why I was thinking about these guys. I really don't care much about them or boys generally. If a nice boy comes along that I like, that mutually likes me, then of course that would be great. But I didn't feel anything for any of these boys. So why was it upsetting me? Why was I up at 2 a.m. unable to sleep?
After hours of talking to my sister and friend I stopped thinking about the boys and began thinking about something much more important. What I was really upset about. What was really bothering me. That I'm longing for companionship.
The next day was like a slow epiphany; everything slowly connected in my mind and I slowly started to feel more human, but not quite. I still haven't really made that click yet. It feels so close and yet every time I'm about to feel something, all that's left is anticipation. I'm anticipating the feeling to kick in. I'm reacting automatically but with no feeling. It's like I'm getting the feelings initially but it never really surfaces.
I've realised that I've felt like this for a while without knowing it, and my sudden low dip was probably triggered from having amazing people around me that all suddenly went out of my life at once. Even during vacation, before the new academic year, I was busy and was able to pre-occupy my mind. But after becoming so comfortable and used to seeing and having fun with these people everyday, to not having them around me at all, one out of the country and the others not even in the same city, I hit a low.
I have a habit of not feeling hungry when I'm stressed, and not being able to eat when I'm depressed. I was genuinely ill one week. I was dizzy and felt sick and had to take pills, but I never noticed how my symptoms changed. I wasn't dizzy anymore and I didn't want to eat nor could I stomach it. I now realise that this was because I was depressed, not because I was ill.
I must admit that I'm slightly worried. How could I be this down without noticing?
Many people try not to let their emotions rule them, and try to become stronger. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." A famous quote that many people refer to. But what happens if you become so emotionless that you don't even feel or know what you're feeling? We're humans; living, breathing animals that feel. That are supposed to feel. So what happens when you take away our feelings? We're just inanimate objects, aren't we? Our feelings are what sets us apart from being like an inanimate object in the room. We'd have our practical uses but we wouldn't be able to live in the true sense of the word.
In Science we learn MRS. GREN to memorise the defining features of a living thing:
M ovement
R espiration
S ensitivity
G rowth
R eproduction
E xcretion
N utrition
Whilst this is scientifically sound, and in no disrespect to other living organisms, but aren't we proud of our other living quality; the ability to feel and that we have a conscience? As animals we are able to feel and gauge on others' feelings. And controversially, we are unique because we are supposedly the only animal with a conscience. We are capable of knowing what's right and wrong, and can feel guilt or pride in our actions. Without these qualities we're not much more than a plant or an inanimate object; that's a rather sad thought in my eyes. So whilst not being ruled by my emotions is being strong to some extent, it's also very harmful to myself as a human being.
I think it goes without saying that feelings are important, but I don't think we ever really think about it. So we don't truly acknowledge its true value. I've recently told a friend that it doesn't matter how hard you tell yourself how you should be, think, act or feel; you can't stop your body from feeling what it does impulsively. You can try to convince yourself that you don't care, that you're happy or that you don't need anyone, but there'll be a time when you can no longer fight your natural feelings and it'll just be worse for you. Your feelings will catch up to you and flood you all at once. And that's the worse thing that can happen. That's what I've learnt.
Allowing this to happen is hard for me to comprehend because I pride myself for being a lot stronger than I look. As I've said before, I really hate feeling weak and pathetic. I've learnt to be stronger and to detach myself when needed. But it's seemed to have backfired. Now I'm perhaps too detached; I'm not able to know what I'm feeling anymore and I'm not at all as strong as I thought I was.
I have many friends from around the world and I have many hobbies, and that's what I've always filled my life with. Although they are people I love and things I love to do, I've also been partially doing it in a way to distract myself. To fill the hole in my life that's never been filled. Now that I think about it, the hole is true companionship. I really don't believe you need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy, but I don't believe you can be truly be happy alone either. We all need someone that you know will be there no matter what, that gets you and understands you well enough that the pure thought of them will make you smile because you know what they'd say to you if they were there with you. This doesn't have to be a lover, it can be a friend or family member, but we all need that kind of person in our lives.
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