Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've never written one of these before. I'm not really sure how this works. There's nothing  materialistic that I want really. I'm lucky and have a job and an amazing family, whom I can't be with this Christmas, and have everything that I need. I can live comfortably with what I have. For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure if you grant other wishes. If it is possible then I would like a few things. I'd like to find a career that I want to pursue. I'm not really sure what to do with my life at the moment. I'm not sure what the next step is. All I know is that I will return to England and will try to pursue as many things as possible in order to work out what to do with my life. Whatever that may be.

It would also be nice if some good things could happen to my family, friends and students. I'm not sure how you work out who's been naughty and nice, but I do believe they're all good people at heart. They've made the last 2 years of my life more bearable and amazing than I could have imagined. Without them I probably wouldn't have enjoyed my experience in Korea half as much as I have. They've made me smile and laugh, and given me some great moments to remember for the rest of my life.

Christmas is the time of year when people are a bit more giving and caring than usual. So I would appreciate it if you would be the same and spare time to grant even one of these wishes.

It must be tiresome reading and granting these wishes. But I think you are a good example of what people need to be like. People need to take more time to stop and listen and to do good deeds for other people just for goodness' sake. I've always been a strong believer of this and I'm still striving to achieve this. It's hard because people aren't always good and people don't always seem to deserve good things, but we don't have the right or power to take away happiness. Only to give it, if we choose to. Corny, I know. But I think you can understand what I mean and where I'm coming from.

Merry Christmas! May all of your wishes come true.

When You Like Someone

Some people may think this is pessimistic. I think it's realistic.

It's really hard to find someone you like that likes you back, isn't it? People always complain about how "when you like someone, they don't like you. But thenthen when someone likes you, you don't like them". It's pretty frustrating sometimes. Why can't you meet someone, like them and they like you back? Simple enough isn't it? ... Apparently not.

I'll have to admit that it's been a while since I've really liked someone. I don't mean simply thinking the guy is hot or cute. I mean properly had a crush and wanted to be with that person. Can't stop thinking about them and over-thinking every detail when you're within proximity of that person. That kind of like.

I'm happily single and by no means do I believe that you need to be in a relationship to be happy. But, I have to admit, I do get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I even miss that feeling when you like someone. You know, when you have that strong, over-powering feeling. That makes you behave a bit out of character. Making you strangely happier than usual. It's weirdly nice, like a random burst of energy and inspiration, and you only feel it when you like someone.

It is nice. Usually. However, I also don't miss that feeling. It's nice but weird. You're not acting like you and it's strange to be doing and acting differently without any real reason why. It's a bit surreal. It's also terrifying how much someone, or emotions towards somone, can affect you. It terrifies me anyway.

What terrifies me more, is the aftermath that may or may not occur. I'm not sure which is more terrifying. Picking up the pieces later on or not knowing if you're going to have to pick up the pieces. Especially as it can be a lot of stress and pain. I've hurt and I've seen a lot of people hurt. It's scary.



It's a nice yet conflicting feeling when you like someone. To be honest, I get quite annoyed when I like someone. I know, I know, I'm strange. I can't help it. Luckily, I've only really really liked someone twice in my life. I've never been in love. Which is a good and a bad thing. It's something that's a little depressing but at the same time I definitely don't wish that I had fallen in love with any of the guys from my past. Not in a horrible way, well not completely. It's just that in hindsight, I know it wouldn't have worked with any of them so I have no regrets about it.

So if I've never been in love or had a boyfriend, why am I writing this? Because it doesn't mean I've never liked someone or know about those initial feelings, thoughts or irrationality.



Have you ever liked someone so much that you felt some kind of an obligation to tell them, just because that's how strongly you felt? As if because you like them that much that it was wrong to keep it to yourself and your feelings are that big that they have to know how you feel. It sounds weird. Even writing and thinking about it now, it sounds weird. But even though it's been a while since I've liked someone that much, I remember these feelings and thoughts very well.

I'm not sure if I'm just being strange or not, but that's how I felt. So I've nearly told two guys that I like them. I'm grateful that on neither occasion did I actually tell them. Both would have been complete and utter failures, with a lot of embarrassment and humiliation. Why? Simply put, because I've never liked a guy that has actually liked me back and sadly guys are usually more interested in my friends than me. I'm the girl that's seen as one of the lads or like a little sister (I blame my two older brothers for this). That or they just see me as a piece of meat. Which is highly flattering as you can imagine... This is why I'm kinda thankful that I haven't liked anyone for a while. It's much more safe for me, my feelings and my ego.

It's difficult to not get hurt. Let's face it, we don't all like each other so there's no way we're going to easily fall in and out of love with each other with ease. Unfortunately, it's hard to read people and it's hard to control our emotions. You won't know if they like you. Sometimes we don't even know if we like them. If we can't sort out our own emotions and thoughts, how can we expect others to know? I think this is the biggest reason why it's hard to get a relationship started. Someone has to make the first move but who? When? Where? How?

It's a well-known fact that guys don't understand women and vise versa. Like I've said in a previous post, women are very hard to understand. Women can understand other women, most of the time... But it's nearly impossible for men to understand women. And the same goes for women understanding men. It's hard to know what anyone is thinking or feeling, let alone the opposite sex. This can be unbelievably frustrating when you like someone. Do they like me? Are they flirting with me? Should I make a move? Would that be embarrassing? Will they reject me? Will this lead to utter humiliation? Is it worth it? ...

Yeah, it's pretty hard to meet someone and for things to just fall into place huh?

Why?

Without meaning to sound corny, it's probably because life's not that easy and love isn't a small thing.  If it was simple to keep falling in and out of love then it wouldn't be that special. We'd also be screwed. The amount of times people go in and out of relationships is already pretty high. So could you imagine if you easily slipped in  and out of relationships just by meeting someone ... I don't think my head or heart could handle it. I'd be acting bipolar. High on love then low on heartbreak, high, low, high, low.... That wouldn't be fun or funny.

So how about making it a little easier? If you really like someone and you don't want them to pass you by, you tell them you like them? I'm not saying you should put yourself out there to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Just the ones you want to take a chance on because there's some potential.

Here in Korea, Christmas is a couple's holiday. You spend time with your other half and see friends rather than families. So how about telling your potential partner that you like them? Maybe something might bloom, ready for the new year.

Everyone likes to know they're loved and wanted. Take a chance and make someone's day.

How fit are you?

What comes to mind when you say "fit"?

For most people, it's related to health and fitness. In England, it can mean that or it can mean 'hot'. So it can describe somebody's physique internally and externally.

Here's my next question: Are you fit? In either meaning. Or possibly a better question, do people regard you as fit?

And here's my last question: Can you be both fit and fit? Do you have to be healthy to be regarded as hot? Or can you be one and not necessarily the other?

The questions seem pretty random huh? Well I'm hoping these questions are making you think.

Here's my issue: a lot of people seem to put their appearance before their health. Some people seem to be under the impression that it's O.K. to disregard their health because looking good is supposedly more important. People also seem to assume that being thin automatically makes you beautiful. I have one word in response to these views: BULLSHIT. (Excuse my French).

Your health should be one of the most important things. How does it make sense for it to not be important? I don't understand how your looks could be more important than your health. And to be honest, usually when you're sacrificing your health for your appearance it doesn't lead to you looking that great on the outside. If your body's suffering then your whole body is suffering; internally and externally.

Also, there are plenty of people that are skinny that aren't pretty. This is going to sound very harsh, but sometimes when you're ugly, you're just ugly and it has nothing to do with your weight. There's probably another way to make yourself look prettier. Something that will amplify your good points. Just like how certain styles of clothing helps to hide some things, it also highlights other things. This is definitely something every girl knows and finds out. Once you find out what works well with your body then you're on your way to helping to boost your confidence and feeling less insecure. This is also the same for makeup. Remember, your looks and your weight aren't always related to each other. They don't always god hand-in-hand.

Even people that thousands classify as 'drop dead gorgeous' has body complexes. Yes, celebrities like Beyonce and Scarlett Johansson have insecurities.  Surprised? Why? Because they're famous? Are they not allowed to have insecurities too? They're human. They might be famous and we might put them on a pedestal but even they can't love everything about themselves.

This reminds me of a scene. It's annoying because I can't remember what movie or drama it's from, and Google isn't helping me either. But I distinctively remember a scene where a girl writes  all of her insecurities on a mirror. She writes and draws like how a surgeon draws over their patients before plastic surgery. And another character finds the girl in front of the mirror and is stunned by what she's written. Like, "how could you think those things?" It's sad but we all think horrible and negative things about ourselves right? We never see ourselves the way other people do. Whether it's when you're directly looking at yourself in the mirror or just reflecting back on yourself as a person.

I kind of hate who I'm quoting here, but I'm not going to deny that it's a great quote.

Yes it's natural and normal to have insecurities, but you should never ever think so strongly that you let it rule your life. You shouldn't focus purely on your weaknesses or insecurities. That will just amplify your negative thoughts and you'll be stuck in a vicious cycle. I've been there. It's not worth it.

Those thoughts shouldn't rule our world. If you're really upset about it, then do something about it. Whether that's losing weight, dying your hair, changing your fashion, getting surgery or whatever. If that's what you really want. If that's what it takes for you to be happy and a bit more confident. But never, ever let it change you to become more insecure or become so obsessed that you lose all logic. Choosing to starve yourself or go to extreme lengths to achieve your goal. If you disregard your own health or finances then it's a very big and clear sign that you have a problem. A problem that can not be solved by dieting or surgery or whatever. It's a problem that you need to sort out by strengthening your own mental mind-set.

If you're going to assume that this is easy for me to say all of this because I'm thin or because I don't feel a need to wear makeup or anything, then you haven't taken in anything I've written and you're also one of those people that reinforces all of the things that I've said is wrong with people and their perception of the what's 'beautiful'. I can't help that I'm thin. I've always been naturally thin. Make-up doesn't make me look much different. It can't enhance beauty that's not there so I don't bother. I have a lot of insecurities. I have never thought much of myself.

The bottom-line for me is this: If everyone's meant to be pretty, then everyone's meant to be average looking. If everyone's on the same scale then that's the norm. There's nothing wrong with looking average, and there's nothing wrong with having body insecurities. That's also normal. One thing that I accepted a long time ago was that no matter what I changed or tried to improve about myself, I'd never going to be happy. 

There's always going to be something else you wish was better. You can say "I'd be happy as long as ........... was different / bigger / smaller / slimmer / better ...." But let's face it, that's a lie isn't it? As soon as you reach your goal weight or get surgery or change something there's going to be something else you wish was different. That's why I gave up trying to change mys outer-appearance a long time ago. And I just think that if I get a boyfriend then he's going to have to deal with the fact that I won't always make an effort to look nice and the way I naturally look. No girl, that I know of anyway, can be bothered to make an effort to look nice every minute of every hour. I definitely can't. I'm too lazy.

I'm not going to be with a guy that wants me to look nice all of the time. He'll have to see me when I look crap, just woken up, when I'm sick, crying and whatever. So I just think he should get used to the way I look. If he doesn't like how I look then sure it's a shame but if I'm not willing to make the effort for myself I won't make a constant effort just to impress him.

Just remember, you're only human and we all have flaws; some that other people see and accept or not, and those that only you see and take notice of. Don't automatically assume being skinny makes you beautiful. It doesn't. Don't go O.T.T. to try to look beautiful. It's not worth it.

(By the way, if anyone could possibly tell me what movie or drama I wrote about that would be awesome. It's starting to annoy me a bit ...)

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

I was told something interesting in a Career Enhancement lesson. "If you're good at something, say it. Be proud that you're good at it and don't be afraid to say so! Why are you automatically labelled as cocky for being honest and saying you're good at it? You're not being cocky, you're stating a fact. You ARE good at it. So what's the problem?" It kind of blew my mind a little because it's very true and makes sense, and it's kind of obvious, yet we don't think like this. Why? There's nothing wrong with accepting and knowing that you're good at something.

We condemn people for gloating. We complain when people are modest ... We make it so you can't win. If you are genuinely good at something, why can't you say so?

Being arrogant is when you think too highly of yourself and are over-confident. So what's wrong with admitting what your strengths are? We make it hard for ourselves.

In interviews you're supposed to 'sell yourself'. We worry about how we 'come-across' and carefully word our sentences, carefully pick out our outfit, are self-conscious about our body-language and our surroundings. We stress ourselves out over making ourselves seem right for the job. We can't be arrogant or too confident, but we can't be the opposite either. We have to try to seem perfect without being excessive. You need skills and good traits, but we can't gloat about them. This is the fatal flaw that we've made for ourselves. We've made it so difficult for us to sell ourselves, even though that's what you're supposed to do, even when we might be perfect for the job.

Why is it that we're quite happy to point out our and other people's flaws but never give credit where credit is due? We won't happily admit if we're clever or good at something, if we're pretty or have anything exceptional. Not aloud and usually not to ourselves either.

There's nothing wrong with admitting what's good about yourself. You've got to take the good with the bad. That doesn't just mean accepting all of your faults. It includes accepting what's good too. What's good about being hard on yourself if you're not going to let yourself enjoy your own accomplishments?

I'm pretty hard on myself but I've learnt to accept that I have some good qualities too. It's not me being arrogant. I always have to emphasise that I'm not being arrogant or cocky when I admit I'm good at something. And people always respond "You're not being arrogant. You're just stating facts." Which is true.

So, if you're going to state facts then state all of them. Don't just own up to the bad ones. The good thing about facts and stats are that they're real and true, and we can also arrange them how we want. We can make them say what we want them to. We can highlight certain things. Emphasising the good things. We can make things sound better than they are. We can sell ourselves without lying.

Lay out the facts and see and arrange them to how you see fit. Just don't leave out the good stuff. Knowledge is power. When you know and accept everything about yourself then you'll be able to grow a lot more. I have.

Interpretations: I want answers

Art has always been a good topic for discussion. You can talk about the meaning, technique, different interpretations and so on. It's interesting. To some people. Some people think it's a pile of crap. I understand why some people don't like or don't have high opinions about art. Especially as anything is classified as 'art'. Each to their own. I like art, but admittedly, I don't appreciate all art. I can appreciate that somebody's time and effort has gone into it. No matter what piece it is, the artist has put time and effort into it. I wouldn't say I'm proud of my art work, but I've definitely put a lot of time (a ridiculous amount of time actually. I'm quite a perfectionist so it takes me a while to work on just one part of any piece) and effort into each of my pieces.

If you follow me on twitter then you've probably seen a few pictures of my art work. Some of you may have some opinions or interpretations about my work already.Sometimes people are a bit intense with their interpretations. It's the same with a lot of discussions and opinions though. You're not always going to agree or think the same, but there's no harm in accepting and listening to them.

There's not much to interpret from my artwork. Like how I usually think you just have to accept my pieces for what you see. They're not complex. They just are what they are. There's no deeper meaning or need to question 'who 'what' 'when' 'where' or 'why'.

The only thing people questions is the technique but it's just how I draw. It's a style I've developed over the years. I literally just do what works for me; what I'm used to, and what feels and looks right to me. You can see the development when you contrast my early works from when I first came to Korea and my more recent drawings.

These ones are all done by ballpoint pens, and all but the bow also has yellow highlighter in them.

And the piece below is the current piece I've been working on. This is drawn using coloured pencils. I originally used the above image from the internet to work from but have now started to make it up on my own. I find it hard to copy things. I can't get things to look exactly the same and that annoys me. Also, it doesn't always look or feel right to me so I find it much better and easier to just go by own eye.

I record the progress of my work because I find it fascinating to see something constructed, and it helps me to see what progress I make. 

Like I said, you can interpret my art how you want but there's no deeper meaning behind my work. I draw flowers because I think they're easy to draw from imagination and I like the flow of the colours. I drew a bow because my sister told me it will help me get better. I've wanted to draw an eye since seeing my friend paint an amazing eye for Art using oil paints. I drew the nuclear explosion in water for a friend's birthday. And water drops because I drew one before for an art project in High School. There's no special meaning or anything interesting about my work. They just are what they are. What you see is what you get. That's all.

Drawn from gel pens and Biro pen.

Like with art, I think people try to look too hard and find something that's not there. I thought this when I studied English Literature. Apparently the author picks each individual word for a particular reason ... O.K. they pick certain words and phrases, and yes of course they use imagery and punctuation in a deliberate way. But does everything have to have a reason behind it? I'm sure they do carefully pick each individual word.

I love analysing. I'm a bit of a loser. I analyse a lot. It's why I love discussing, reading, debating, politics, History ... But there is such a thing as 'over-analysing'. Sometimes people just need to accept things for what they are and not look for a reason behind everything. If things happen for a reason, then just accept that there's a reason. Don't look for the reason. Not everytime something happens at least. Sometimes you can just accept it, be grateful and move on. Don't waste time on every single detail. And like we all know, sometimes there's just no reason or you're not going to know the exact reason. As frustrating as that is at times, life's a mystery. Accept it and don't let it get to you.

Ballpoint pens and yellow highlighter.

Highlighters only.

 Two liquid pens: black and red. 

Coloured pencils.

A Man's Mind vs. A Woman's World

Conversation between two friends:

Woman: You know it's the thought that counts?

Man: I know that much. I just don't know what to get. Can you give me some ideas?

Woman: OK. There are two ways you can put thought into it.

 1. Buy her something that's personal. Something that's specific to her. Like something she's been wanting for ages or her favourite perfume or something to do with her interests ... It shows that you actually pay attention to her and know her well.

Or

 2. Something really romantic. Go out of your way to be romantic. Like buy her 100 roses for your 100 day anniversary. 

Man: What is she going to do with 100 roses? They'll just die and she'll just throw them away. Why would I give her dead roses?

*Woman goes wide-eyed and laughs*

Woman: You don't give her roses that are already dead ...

Man: And where would I pick 100 roses?

*Woman laughs more*

Woman: You don't pick 100 individual roses yourself. You call a florist and order 100 roses ... Or if you want to be really thoughtful and buy something personal AND be romantic, find out her favourite flower and order 100 of those.

Man: They'll still die ...

This is an actual conversation that I've recently had with my friend. I found it hilarious. It just highlights the differences between how a man thinks and how a woman thinks.

I've given many guys advice over the years. I really feel for men when they have to deal with women. Sometimes I pity them ... They do have to put up with a lot from us (and vise versa). Our minds work differently and they never know what to do. And in all honesty, they don't stand a chance!

It's true, women are irrational and hormonal and a bit crazy. BUT, I must add, there is a way to understand women. The only problem is, it's an illogical logic. Only women can understand women. Let me give an example.

If a girl isn't talking to you it could be one, a few or all of these reasons:

1. She simply doesn't want to talk to you.
2. She's playing hard to get.
3. She wants attention. She wants you to make an effort and talk to her first.
4. She's testing you. How much do you like her? Do you care? Have you noticed she hasn't been talking to you? Do you want to talk to her as much as she wants to talk to you?
5. She's playing mind games. She wants you to suffer a bit so that you'll appreciate her more.
6. She's stubborn.
7. She's thinking. She might need space to think and work out her thoughts. Either about you or about other things.
8. It's not about you. She's busy or something's going around her head so that she doesn't have time for you right now.
9. She's pissed or upset with you.
10. She's being stupid. She might be sulking or trying to be clever somehow but failing miserably.

The list could go on. Like I said, girls are difficult to understand but there is a logic behind our way of thinking. You've just got to work out the girl well enough so that you can understand where she's coming from. Understanding doesn't mean agreeing. You just need to empathise. If you can't do that, then you're pretty screwed to be honest. Every girl, like every person, appreicates it when somebody tries to listen, understand and empathise with them.

Finding The Right Career Path

(Sorry, there was trouble loading this post. It didn't seem to agree with my tablet. So here it is, finally).

What's your dream job? Do you know what you want to do? Have you always known? Or have only just recently discovered it? 

I was a typical child. I had a big imagination, and used to think about and imagine all sorts of things. I'd thought and dreamt of doing all sorts of jobs. I wanted to be a singer (I'm unbelievably tone deaf! Like those bad singers on X Factor that says they're the next Whitney Houston, except I actually know that I can't sing), a writer (absolutely loved books, being creative and I wrote a lot of stories), a designer (my sister and I used to draw dresses. She's a lot better than me. I just drew big, O.T.T. princess dresses), an actress (had a big imagination and thought acting was an escape from normal, mundane life) etc... Yeah, I was a really weird and random child. Now I'm a really weird and random adult ...

It wasn't until High School that I decided and committed to one job idea; to become a teacher. It was the only idea I didn't find any faults or lose interest in. I liked school, I liked helping and teaching my friends, I loved interaction and being creative, and still do. It made sense to me. I understood the need for good, capable teachers and the importance of them. I had some lovely teachers and I had some bad ones. I had a few that had a big influence on me and one in particular changed some of my views on life. Those teachers are why I wanted to become a teacher. Teachers can really have a big impact on a kid's life.

Unfortunately it's only now, 10 years later, that I've discovered that while I love teaching and I'm good at it, it's not a career path that I want to pursue. 

So lately I've been asking myself: "What kind of career do I want?" "What career path do I want to pursue?" Dangerous and mind-boggling questions that everyone asks themselves. I've been searching for these answers for a really long time now. I had doubts before coming to Korea, and now I'm certain I don't want to be a History teacher anymore. I've gone through various trains of thoughts.

First I just looked at different teaching options as it was my original plan and it seems to be the only thing I'm qualified for. It's what I've wanted to do for so long that all I did was gear my experiences towards teaching; leadership course, communication module, mentoring, tutoring, teaching English as a foreign language ...

However, it's not something I can imagine myself pursuing and sticking to, or even enjoying. These are three really big deal-breakers for me. While I think everyone has to do things (small jobs and actual jobs) they don't like out of necessity, I'm not willing to pursue a career I won't follow because it isn't necessary. Yes, I need a job. Yes, I need money. Yes, I need to work out what I want to do with my life. But no I don't have to pay and do a post-graduate in something I don't intend to use enough to get my money's worth out of it. No, it won't be financially beneficial. No, it won't make me happy. No, it's not my only option.

So I started to focus on my interests. I want a job that I'll enjoy so I started thinking about jobs that revolves around things I'm interested in. Although combining your hobbies with your job works for some people and sounds ideal, I can't really imagine it for me. My interests aren't necessarily something I'm good at or  

Now I'm focusing on job descriptions. I have a rough idea of what I want in a job. I don't mean salary, working hours, location or anything like that. I mean, I've worked out what it is that I love about my current job, what tasks and roles I'd like to do in a future job and what I'd be good at. I'm thinking more about what a job would entail, and if I fit the description and want to do those things. Rather than trying to find a 'dream job' and trying to fit myself into that role, I'm looking for a job that fits me and my personality.

I will write again if my method actually works, and to write about the outcome. Knowing what jobs you're capable of doing, what's your dream job and achieving it are all completely different things.

Why Are You Single?

A question we commonly ask ourselves is "Why are we single?" Good question, but a pointless one I think. It's one of the many things we think about and get ourselves worked up over, but there's no real answer usually. It's not that black and white. I think this is something we over and under estimate.

We over-estimate just how much is within our control and we under-estimate ourselves.

Life's not that easy or simple for all good things to be handed to everyone on a silver platter. Yes some people have good luck and things come easily to them, and you probably envy those people, but that can't be the case for everyone, and someday that might be you someday; with everything you wanted; career, a house and a good long-term relationship. But why isn't that us now? I'm going to write why I'm probably single and about past experiences. Maybe you can relate, and hopefully you'll understand that you're not the only one and it's not that big of a deal.

In my opinion, some people take things to the extreme. For this particular topic, being single, some people either become depressed and ashamed of being single whilst others take pride in being single and use it as an excuse to act wild. 

We all want this don't we? We want the hugs, the cuddles, the companionship, the happiness, and to share and make those magic moments with. That fairy tale ending.

This seems a bit obvious but I'm going to have to say this:

Being in a relationship doesn't automatically equal happiness.

1. Happily single? It is possible. Don't let your relationship status define you. Don't think too much. Do what makes you happy. Being in a relationship, especially one that you're only in for the sake of it, doesn't necessarily mean you'll be any happier.
2. Independence and compromise. When you're single, you have complete independence. You can still maintain independence in a relationship, but you'll have to compromise with your partner. You'll need to take them into consideration when you make decisions. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just whether you're prepared to do it. It's nice when people actually take you into consideration; it shows they actually think and care about you. Genuine, heart-warming feelings are a beautiful thing.
3. Finding the right person: Chances and Circumstances. I don't believe in soul mates or 'the one'. I think it's a sad idea that there's only one person in the whole world for someone. It'll be really hard to find that one person. Personally, I think it's much more circumstantial. You shouldn't regret not meeting someone that's right and good for you. You can't regret that someone hasn't stumbled into your life. You can't regret that you don't like this perfectly nice guy / girl. You can't regret that this person isn't your idea of perfection. You can't regret what is not within your control. (I will cover this in more detail in a later post).
4. The 'Friend zone'. I've covered this in a previous blog. It's hard because sometimes you do care for someone, but is it just friendship? Will you just lose a friend in the process? Will the friendship bloom into something much bigger? These are difficult questions to answer, and you probably won't know the answer until time goes by or you give it a try. Confessing your feelings to a friend is risky, but maybe worth it.

I've had a few different reactions to this simple fact about me: I've never had a boyfriend.

1. "Wow, you're amazing." Not really. It doesn't take much effort or skill to stay single.

2. "That's b*llshit. How is that possible?" Again, with very little effort. Also, I actually know a lot of people who haven't been in a relationship. Some of whom are older than me, but reactions like this is why some people are ashamed of it and don't talk about it. To me, this reaction just highlights the social pressures to do the 'social norm' and be in a relationship to get married and have kids. No thank you. At least, not right now. That's the last thing on my mind.

3. "I don't believe you." O.K. Well I have no reason to lie, and if you don't believe me I don't really care. It makes no difference to me to be honest. It's not that unbelievable is it?

I'm not proud nor am I ashamed of being single or having been single my whole life. Nor will I let it define me. To me, it's a simple fact. Just like how my ethnicity is Chinese, that I like drawing and painting, that I've only been to 5 different countries or that I can count how many times I've been to the cinema (13 times). They're all facts. Some of them I can't change. Some of them I can. Sometimes people seem to try to make me feel proud or ashamed of things, but with my personality that doesn't really work. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or like I should feel ashamed, but my brain reacts and tells me "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Why are you feeling ashamed? Why should you feel embarrassed?" And the same thing happens when people act like it's something I should be proud of. There's no reason to be proud of something that I've put no hard work or effort into.

It's not shameful. I've never met a guy that I've liked that has mutually liked me back and has asked me out. It's as simple as that. So why should I feel shame, pride or regret? I have nothing to regret because there's been no guy that I wish I had gone out with (not in a horrible way. I just know it would never have worked out with the guys I knew / know. Either because of chemistry, the situation or lack of mutual feelings). These reasons are a shame but not something I should be ashamed of. Nor are they accomplishments. It's not something I've excelled in or have achieved through talent or hard work. It's just life.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is simply this:

1. Your relationship status is not important enough for it to define you or make you feel any shame.
2. Don't let others make you feel anything that doesn't already come naturally. The only person that has a right to judge you is yourself. You know if you should feel ashamed or not so judge yourself fairly. Take people's opinions on board, but don't let their views become your rules, boundaries and definitions in your life. Quite simply: "Each to their own."
3. Protect your heart; be cautious if needs be but don't shy away so much that you become the reason why they get away. Everybody deserves happiness and to be loved. When someone comes along then do everything that you feel is right and have no regrets about it. 

So love life. If you can, love yourself, and always let others love you. This sounds very sappy and soppy, but I'm afraid while life can be a b*tch, it can also be very mushy. Think of it as you will. Just try to be happy and live life how you want to. I'm not saying you should disregard others' views, I'm just saying don't live your life for anyone other than yourself. It's your life; you only live once; so live how you wish to.

I'll be covering this in a lot more details in some other blogs I'm working on. There are a lot of themes and key issues that I want to write about. Please keep reading if this is insightful, enjoyable or helpful to you in any way. If my blogs seem boring or bad to you then please leave constructive criticism :) Thank you.

Who's Mr. Perfect?

We all know that nobody's perfect, but there's no harm in fantasising about Mr. Right is there? Or is there?

It's hard to stop your mind from wandering and imagining the perfect partner or situation. Especially when you're single or when you see or hear a really cute couple and wish that was you. 

Honestly, I'm a bit strange and I have about 50 different images of Mr. Perfect in my head because what I want keeps changing. But I've realised that fundamentally my idea of the perfect guy always remains the same. It's a very simple, generic type of guy, and it's basically just what I like in a person / friend generally to be honest. Someone funny, considerate, open-minded with manners and that can hold their own. The latter is more what I like in a guy rather than a friend.

I think sometimes we concentrate too much on this, a happy ending. There's nothing wrong with wanting a fairy tale ending, but don't let it get in the way of appreciating and being happy with what you currently have. Whether be that taking your current partner for granted or missing what's right in front of you because you're looking for perfection and missing out on being with someone special that's in your life right now


In truth, there isn't really a happy ending. You've just got to make and embrace as many happy moments as you can so that you can die with no regrets and can remember all of those good things. You can be happy single, in a relationship or married. You won'thave a dream wedding then live happily ever after. Life after marriage doesn't automatically become a blissful, care-free way of living. Life is life. You've got to take the good with the bad and accept that. If you can someone that can stick with you through those times and help you when times gets hard then you're lucky. Whether it's a friend, colleague, family or partner.

You can strive for perfection in your life, but don't ever expect someone to be perfect. We're only human after all. If you find someone you like and they like you and they have your best interest at heart, that is perfect. What else could be better?

I only hope that one day I can find someone that I like that actually likes me back for once. To be in love and be loved is one thing I hope to do before I die. If only once and even if it doesn't last forever. To say you've had that is enough I think.

The Dreaded 'Friend-Zone'

We've all heard of the 'friend-zone'. We've all heard of it and know what it means to be 'in' the 'friend-zone'. What I find strange is people's interpretation of it, how you end up there and whether it's possible to get 'out' of the 'friend-zone'.

My friend thinks the 'friend-zone' is nothing but rubbish and lies. He doesn't think it exists. It's just something we've made up as an excuse to say to the opposite sex and to run away.

To a certain degree I agree with him. Sometimes we do use it as an excuse. As a nice way to let someone down gently or it's what we tell them and ourselves so that we don't have to confront our true feelings. We've all had those moments when we see someone as a friend but then something changes. Either they tell you they like you or people are teasing you about them or something along the lines of. This can make us question our relationship and feelings for the person. Do you like them? Is it possible for something to happen between you two? etc... Re-evaluating your feelings isn't always an easy, simple process as feelings can't be measured quantitatively. Although running away is never the best answer, sometimes that's all we can do for our own sanity. If we hide then we don't have to confront and deal with the situation, and we can pretend that everything's still the same as before. 

However, sometimes we sincerely mean it. Sometimes we do just see them as a friend and nothing more. Although it's hard to hear that the person you like only thinks of you as a friend, it's better to hear the truth and know they like and care for you in some way than for them to force themselves to like you. Especially as this will probably just result in ruining your friendship forever. Life isn't that simple that you can deduct a definite outcome, but I'd say in most cases this is true. At least from what I've seen and my experiences.

I think because everyone has different interpretations and there are so many scenarios that may occur that it's hard to make a clear conclusion about it. I do believe the 'friend-zone' exists, but how strong the concept is varies from person to person. Usually, I find my girl friends have a much stronger idea about the 'friend-zone' than my guy friends.

Generally girls seem a lot more reluctant to date an old friend than guys. Also, usually when a girl sees a guy as a good friend then she won't see him as much more or will tell herself she doesn't to save herself from embarrassment and pain of confessing and a possible break-up. This is where the more complicated nature of girls comes into play. The way we think and are a more ruled by our emotions than men. It plays a serious part in why the 'friend-zone' has materialised and why some guys find it hard to not fall into that category.

One thing that I don't agree with, that's a general view, is that you're either seen only as a friend or not. I think this is a misconception about the 'friend-zone'. Whilst you're usually 'in' the 'friend-zone' or not, I don't think this means you're simply 'friends' or not. I think these are two different things.

This is a very simplified diagram that I've made to show how the 'friend-zone' it works in my mind. There are more categories than just 'friend' and 'not friends'. Some people may see more categories than what's displayed in the diagram.

Personally, I see 4 categories:

1. The people you love; old friends, close friends, best friends and those you are or seek to be in a relationship with.

2. Friends and acquaintances you like and may care about but are indifferent about. They've probably not made a massive impression to make you feel any particular way about them.

3. Those you classify to be idiots or/and know you're not interested in. They've made an impression; not a very good one.

4. And lastly, the 'friend-zone'. Where people are seen as nothing more than friends, but can move and integrate with the other three categories.

Although this isn't a very conclusive piece, I hope it's somewhat insightful. I would say it's a generic explanation of the 'friend-zone' as well as specific in terms of my own thoughts and opinions.

Colder and Stronger

Recently I've discovered that I'm a lot colder than I realised, and a lot weaker as well. Somehow I've managed to become depressed without realising it.  I thought I was just ill. I knew I was a bit homesick, but I didn't realise just how lonely I really was. The words 'heartless' and 'cold' comes to mind. This is a serious issue that's taking a lot of my attention at the moment and something I really need to work on.

It's funny just how much can happen without you realising it. But it's even more amazing just how much others notice about you. People always amaze me; my nearest and dearest as well as complete strangers. They notice things about me that even I don't notice. I love talking to people and finding out things about them and myself. I find it an interesting and insightful way to learn about people's opinions and way to reflect upon myself.

It was only after Skyping with my sister and oldest friend in the early hours of the morning (2-5 a.m.) that I realised something. I'm lonely. Lonely to a whole new extent than I have ever felt or been before. Not only am I homesick but I have a hole that's never really been filled in my life. I've never been in love, and whilst I have many friends, I've never had one that I'm so close with that I could spend every day, every waking hour with, that gets me completely and wholeheartedly, that's one-in-the-same as myself. I know that's difficult to find and usually just on the tele or movies, but it seems like everyone around me has those kinds of friendships. I suppose this says a lot about me...

Whilst Skyping, we began talking about things I didn't think about. After telling my sister about some new guys in my life, she asked me something that shocked me, "What's the real issue here?" I didn't understand what she meant. I told her what was happening; these boys were all different and all confusing me in different ways. But as the person that knows me best in the whole world, she highlighted that men don't phase me. Especially guys I've just met. I'm not a typical girl that gets flustered by men. I'm not the type to get obsessed. I'm not the type to really like a guy until getting to know him. And I even admitted that I didn't really care much for any of the guys; I barely know them. So again, she asked "What's the real issue here?"

Honestly, I didn't know.  I didn't know why I was thinking about these guys. I really don't care much about them or boys generally. If a nice boy comes along that I like, that mutually likes me, then of course that would be great. But I didn't feel anything for any of these boys. So why was it upsetting me? Why was I up at 2 a.m. unable to sleep?

After hours of talking to my sister and friend I stopped thinking about the boys and began thinking about something much more important. What I was really upset about. What was really bothering me. That I'm longing for companionship. 

The next day was like a slow epiphany; everything slowly connected in my mind and I slowly started to feel more human, but not quite. I still haven't really made that click yet. It feels so close and yet every time I'm about to feel something, all that's left is anticipation. I'm anticipating the feeling to kick in. I'm reacting automatically but with no feeling. It's like I'm getting the feelings initially but it never really surfaces.

I've realised that I've felt like this for a while without knowing it, and my sudden low dip was probably triggered from having amazing people around me that all suddenly went out of my life at once. Even during vacation, before the new academic year, I was busy and was able to pre-occupy my mind. But after becoming so comfortable and used to seeing and having fun with these people everyday, to not having them around me at all, one out of the country and the others not even in the same city, I hit a low.

I have a habit of not feeling hungry when I'm stressed, and not being able to eat when I'm depressed. I was genuinely ill one week. I was dizzy and felt sick and had to take pills, but I never noticed how my symptoms changed. I wasn't dizzy anymore and I didn't want to eat nor could I stomach it. I now realise that this was because I was depressed, not because I was ill.

I must admit that I'm slightly worried. How could I be this down without noticing? 

Many people try not to let their emotions rule them, and try to become stronger. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." A famous quote that many people refer to. But what happens if you become so emotionless that you don't even feel or know what you're feeling? We're humans; living, breathing animals that feel. That are supposed to feel. So what happens when you take away our feelings? We're just inanimate objects, aren't we? Our feelings are what sets us apart from being like an inanimate object in the room. We'd have our practical uses but we wouldn't be able to live in the true sense of the word.

In Science we learn MRS. GREN to memorise the defining features of a living thing:

M ovement

R espiration

S ensitivity

G rowth

R eproduction

E xcretion

N utrition

Whilst this is scientifically sound, and in no disrespect to other living organisms, but aren't we proud of our other living quality; the ability to feel and that we have a conscience? As animals we are able to feel and gauge on others' feelings. And controversially, we are unique because we are supposedly the only animal with a conscience. We are capable of knowing what's right and wrong, and can feel guilt or pride in our actions. Without these qualities we're not much more than a plant or an inanimate object; that's a rather sad thought in my eyes. So whilst not being ruled by my emotions is being strong to some extent, it's also very harmful to myself as a human being.

I think it goes without saying that feelings are important, but I don't think we ever really think about it. So we don't truly acknowledge its true value. I've recently told a friend that it doesn't matter how hard you tell yourself how you should be, think, act or feel; you can't stop your body from feeling what it does impulsively. You can try to convince yourself that you don't care, that you're happy or that you don't need anyone, but there'll be a time when you can no longer fight your natural feelings and it'll just be worse for you. Your feelings will catch up to you and flood you all at once. And that's the worse thing that can happen. That's what I've learnt. 

Allowing this to happen is hard for me to comprehend because I pride myself for being a lot stronger than I look. As I've said before, I really hate feeling weak and pathetic. I've learnt to be stronger and to detach myself when needed. But it's seemed to have backfired. Now I'm perhaps too detached; I'm not able to know what I'm feeling anymore and I'm not at all as strong as I thought I was.

I have many friends from around the world and I have many hobbies, and that's what I've always filled my life with. Although they are people I love and things I love to do, I've also been partially doing it in a way to distract myself. To fill the hole in my life that's never been filled. Now that I think about it, the hole is true companionship. I really don't believe you need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be happy, but I don't believe you can be truly be happy alone either. We all need someone that you know will be there no matter what, that gets you and understands you well enough that the pure thought of them will make you smile because you know what they'd say to you if they were there with you. This doesn't have to be a lover, it can be a friend or family member, but we all need that kind of person in our lives.